QAF 509: "I'll Never Be Mrs. Seymore Goldfarb"

Jen's been too busy for a recap, so I'll step up to the plate. Just between you and me, I think she's jealous that I was slated to write the recap for next week's “explosive” episode, and feigned busy-ness so that we can trade episodes. Bitch.

Alright, folks, it's confession time: about 99.9% of my love of QAF centers around Brian and Justin. Due to this, the annual Brian and Justin breakups hit me harder than most, as it means I have to sit through several episodes about the other characters. Bor-ing. Fortunately, the writers have managed to make everyone else Ted and Emmett interesting enough to make up for the lack of Brian and Justin love. In fact, those two were so much fun this week, and Justin was such a twat, that I could probably live without the inevitable reunion. Alright, that's a lie, but seriously, how great were the Emmett and Ted storylines this week?

Let's begin with Ted. Mr. Schmidt is getting all kinds of tail these days, but owing to a faster learning curve than Brian's, he's already bored. Yep, Theodore has found that sex is great and all, but finding a Jewish husband is truly the key to happiness. Enter the Gay Jewish Men's Mixer, and Dr. Adam Bernstein. For some reason, female gynecologists don't bother me, but the idea of a gay male urologist just strikes me as a little odd. But I digress...Teddy and Adam hit it off, despite the good doctor's hatred of opera (that's your hint, Ted, you need to get Blake back!). Unfortunately, there is trouble in paradise when Dr. Mensch finds out that Ted has never suffered that unkindest of cuts—which I suppose could pose a problem if you are looking for a Jewish husband. Damn. But that's alright, because while the Dr. Adam is a cutie (much, much better looking than Dr. David, I'm sure we'll all agree), he's no Blake. Chin up, Teddy, you'll find your man.

I could be cruel and make you read this entire recap before getting to Emmett and Drew, but frankly, even I can't wait to gush over them. Remember last week when I finally broke down and admitted my very strong feelings about Michael? Well, allow me to just as forcefully reiterate how I feel about Drew:


So, Drew spends a quiet evening at home with Emmett. Well, if you define quiet as being trapped in Deb's kitchen while reporters are swarming outside, that is. Um, can't Detective Carl do something about this? What's the point of living with a cop if he can't stop the paparazzi from trampling Debbie's rose bushes? Anyway, Drew decides to come out, and what better place than an exclusive interview on Queer Guy's own Channel Five News? And what an exclusive it is! Not only does Drew dispel those nasty and pernicious rumors of his heterosexuality, but he proves that he truly is a man's man by planting a kiss on Emmett that puts Rhett Butler to shame.

Unfortunately, the kiss gets Emmett fired, and Drew suspended—for his own good, of course. Thanks, QAF, as if I don't already feel the weight of my heterosexual privilege every Sunday night, now I have to deal with both of my guys losing their jobs because of people like me. Excuse me while I flog myself.

So, what's going on with the characters that aren't Emmett and Ted (wow, that's weird to say!):

Michael's store gets vandalized, and the writers are quick to remind us that the Nazis went after the comic books first...or something like that. So, in order to save himself from the ovens, Michael takes down a sign! That's right, you show 'em who's not a faggot, Mikey! Thankfully, Fred Phelps Jr. preaches in the street about the sanctity of marriage, and Michael, who apparently has his head stuck in the fucking ground and never once heard a straight man utter such bullshit before, decides to put the sign back up! That's right, you show 'em who's not a scared little faggot, Mikey!


Melanie and Lindsay continue with the in-house separation foolishness, and everything is going just peachy until Mel shows up late after an evening with cutie Corinne, and Lindsay is pissed! A major fight ensues, which starts with the breaking of vases and depressionware and ends with violent lesbian sex on the dining room table. Pretty typical....whoa! What the fuck did I just write? “Violent lesbian sex on the dining room table.” I'm sorry, I hate any scene which starts with violence and ends with sex (I could go on a feminist rant about society's conflation of violence with sex and its contribution to a culture of rape, but I'll spare you), but this scene was more disturbing than most. It smacks of that kind of male-titillating, consumer lesbianism that I hate in hetero porn, and really can't stand to see on a show that purports to represent actual gay lives. Awful. Blech.

And I wish I could say that this was the only disturbing sex scene in the show, but the other was so disgusting, so terrible I wonder if I should even mention it at all...Ben fucking the shit out of Michael against the kitchen sink. Ick. Ack. Yuck. Gag. Alright, fine, we all know that Ben and Michael fuck, but do we really need to see it? And right at the beginning of the episode without any forewarning? Can we please go back to the Brian and Justin foursomes at the top of the hour? So much more enjoyable.

In the interest of fairness, QAF decided that we heteros deserve to get a little action, too. Enter Jennifer, and the much, much younger Tucker. Jen jumps on the back of Tuck's motorcycle, and straight girls the world over swoon....and want to kick Jennifer's ass out of sheer envy. Damn, what a cutie! They should have cast this guy as Brandon—so much more believable as a Brian's would-be usurper. Anyway, Justin meets Tucker and he's not impressed; seems a 25-year age difference is more than Mr. Taylor can handle. Let's all say it together now: “Mr. Pot, meet Mr. Kettle!” What the fuck is Justin doing complaining about a little age difference? Seriously, Justin, you were 17 (you know, not an adult) when you moved in with your 29-year-old lover. Shut the fuck up and let your mother be happy, you ungrateful little shit (note to Michael—here's an example of when it is appropriate to refer to a child as being an ungrateful little shit. Commit it to memory.)

So, what's up with Brian, huh? Can't believe I've written this much without mentioning him. Brian and Michael still aren't talking. Oh, boo-fucking-hoo. Like I really give a shit if poor wittle Mikey got his feewings hurt. But, since I love Brian so I'm hoping that this little spat of theirs ends soon. Actually, fuck that, I think Michael should die in a fiery wreck and Ted should be Brian's new best friend. Am I the only one? Yeah, I didn't think so. Sorry, Kerri, you're going to have to refrain from hitting the mute button when you see Teddy, I think he's here to stay.

In one of the more fantastic scenes in QAF history, Debbie shows up at the loft with a tuna macaroni casserole and a joint, and proceeds to tell Brian that he needs to swallow his pride and get his Mikey back. So, at the World's Most Exciting Art Show™, Brian apologizes to Michael as only Brian can: “If you're happy being a Stepford Fag, than you should be the best Stepford Fag ever.” Needless to say, having shredded his copy of the Brian Kinney Operating Manual, Michael doesn't interpret this as an apology and basically tells our hero to fuck off. And this brings us to our second audience participation point of the evening; all together now:


There, don't you feel better now? Unfortunately, it's not so easy for Brian to hate. In the end, we find him standing on the catwalk at Babylon, overlooking his kingdom when who should arrive but Michael, finally accepting Brian's apology and undying love....only, it's not Michael, it's Ted, and Brian's little fantasy reunion with Mikey underscores the truth that we QAF fans are now beginning to grudgingly accept—Ted is the new Michael, and we love him for it.

So, next week Cyndi Lauper performs and Babylon blows up. Seriously. I'm personally hoping for a Great White-like pyrotechnic blow out, while Jen and Ian anticipate a not-so-random act of violence from the Prop 14 crowd. We'll see what happens on Sunday, and Jen will have your recap bright and early on Monday, having stolen the undoubtedly fantastic episode that was meant to be mine. Bitch.


annamaria at 12:57 AM

3 spoke


at Friday, July 15, 2005 11:51:00 AM Blogger ID said...

I think that Teddy's doctor looked like a cross between Matt Lauer and Bob Saget. Scary business.

at Friday, July 15, 2005 2:05:00 PM Blogger annamaria said...

Very true, Ian. But, alas, still cuter than Dr. David. It's all relative.

at Sunday, July 17, 2005 10:59:00 PM Blogger annamaria said...

Alright, just watched 510, and since I can't wait for Jen to do her recap (bitch), I just have to say this:

Oh my god, and holy fucking shit.

Did I hear what I think I heard?!?

Yes, I just played the tape back, and I did in fact hear what I thought I heard. Excuse me while I do the oh-so-happy-Brian-finally-said-it(twice!)-dance around my living room.


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