QAF 511: We're all Stepford Fags now

Well, it seems nothing brings out the love like a little death and destruction. Brian and Justin are on their way to Stepford Fagdom, and Melanie and Lindsay are headed for part three of their relationship. It’s a beautiful day on Liberty Avenue…assuming you’re willing to overlook the bombed-out shell formerly known as Babylon.

The episode begins somewhere other than Babylon, and we QAF fans know what that means—it’s either a flashback or a fantasy sequence. Christ, they’re predictable! Anyway, Brian walks into a church dressed in Prada black…could it be? Will Annamaria and Jen be happy girls, and witness wittle Mikey’s funeral?? Alas, no. Brian steps up to the casket and sees himself, dressed in more Prada black. He wakes up at the erstwhile Babylon, and Ted and Detective Carl inform him (and, ostensibly, the viewing audience) that this was no random act of carnage—the Anti-Stop Prop 14 crowd (meaning the Pro-Prop 14 crowd…did you get that?) have planted a bomb! Oh dear! I would have been shocked and surprised had it not been so fucking obvious that a bomb exploded the place last week. Um, were there actually people out there that thought otherwise?

Apparently, even Brian (who, you’ll remember nearly offed himself in season one in search of the ultimate, scarfing-induced orgasm) is afraid of death. So afraid, that he’s willing to give up everything that makes him unique, fabulous, and, well, Brian. So, he visits Justin at his crack house studio, and proposes. Actually, this scene had me cracking up. Justin is painting and doing his best to look everywhere but at Brian, and Brian’s got this goofy grin on his face like Justin’s just the cutest thing he’s ever seen. I mean, did you all see his face when he asked if Justin heard him say “I love you” the night before? It was like he was so proud of himself for finally saying the words, and needed confirmation that the object of his affection actually noticed. So, Justin turns him down, and Brian stamps his feet like a petulant child, and Annamaria really regrets ever wanting these two to get married because lovey-dovey Brian is actually kind of annoying!

Brian continues to sulk because his one true love won’t marry him. Enter Jennifer. Ah, how I love Jennifer. She’s really handy when people want to sell property in order to prove some kind of point. Brian lists the loft and casually mentions that he proposed to her son and said son rejected him. At this point, Jennifer has the greatest facial expression I’ve ever seen—it’s the intersection of relief, regret and complete confusion. And then you understand where Justin gets his avoidance techniques, because she looks everywhere but at Brian, and tries to process the fact that Brian…Brian…was very nearly her son-in-law. At last, regret wins out, and she seems honestly saddened that her son is a stupid twat, and won’t marry the man of his dreams.

So, why was Brian selling the loft? Well, he needed the money to buy Justin his dream home in the country, of course! See what I mean? This Brian is weird! He takes Justin to their new home and delivers the sappiest, schmoopiest lines ever, and somehow this is enough to let Justin know that Brian is actually serious about this love and marriage shit, and he finally agrees to marry him. Ugh…this whole episode played like a Jane Austen novel! For fuck’s sake, can’t you see that Mr. Darcy Kinney has changed?

So, what happened with the characters that aren’t Brian and Justin (ah, it’s so good to be able to say that again!):

Hunter returns! Apparently, he was at Disney World—he got a job as a cartoon mascot at the park. How funny is it that he was Dopey? After a very serious conversation with Debbie, he realizes that his place is in Pittsburgh with Ben and Michael, and he decides to give up his lucrative career as a dwarf for the comforts of home and family.

Speaking of Michael, he survived. Damn.

Ben and the others attend a vigil to honor those who were killed or injured at the Babylon Blast. It’s all very touching, what with all the tears and candles, until the Hate Brigade shows up and informs everyone that Michael and all the others will go to Hell for being fags. If you don't mind, I going to digress for a second here:

Annamaria’s Open Letter to Hate-Mongers.

Dear Hate Mongers,

You have the right to hate. I could hardly begrudge you that right, since I exercise it daily as concerns you. But, why do you protest at funerals and vigils? Do you really think this advances your cause? It really only makes you look like a bunch of pricks. I mean, I thought Reagan was a bastard and a motherfucker, but you didn’t see me traipsing up to your little Pro-Ronnie circle jerks to remind you that the poor man was most likely in a circle of Hell that even Dante couldn’t imagine. No, I sat in my own home, watching you wax poetic about the Gipper, and laughed at your pathetic asses. Could you kindly do the same, and leave the poor families of people murdered by assholes like you alone?


So, Ben ignores the mulitude of health-risks involved with swapping blood with fundies*, and kicks the shit out of Hate Monger #1. A free for all ensues, and even Emmett manages to get in on the action. Brian and I wonder if this means that we have to stop calling Mr. Bruckner "Zen Ben," and he acts shocked that we would call him that in the first place.

Ted and Emmett have problems dealing the bombing. Ted blames himself for Michael's injuries, surmising that had he not brought Mr. OCD to the benefit, and had Mr. OCD not hyperventilated and needed water, Michael would still have his spleen. Fortunately for Teddy, Mr. Bathhouse Psychologist is there to remind him that no one is to blame but the Haters. Emmett, meanwhile, locks himself in the house and watches old Barbara Stanwyck movies for fear that if he ever stops watching Double Indemnity he'll die...or something like that.

Melanie and Lindsay decide to give married life another go, and we all breathe a sigh of relief. Okay, maybe not. Did anyone actually care about Mel and Linds this week?

So, kids, overall a fun episode. I fear that having heard Brian say "I love you" last week might make the rest of the season seem anti-climactic, but at least I can still wait for Blake to show up, right?

*Haha! You thought I was going to comment on Ben's HIV status, didn't you?


annamaria at 12:28 PM

1 spoke


at Monday, July 25, 2005 3:51:00 PM Blogger ID said...

I thought that the man in the bath house was a little god-like himself. Either that or the devil. He was much too weird and well placed to just be crusing the deserted baths.


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