Annamaria’s unsolicited advice to Britney & Kevin

The waffle waitress and her prince

I don’t have kids, nor do I intend to, so I am loathe to offer unsolicited advice to parents and parents-to-be, but I feel that this issue is far too important for me to remain silent. For the love all that is good and pure, please do not give your unborn child a stupid name. And by stupid names, I mean names that you have taken from any of the following:

I know, I know, everyone but me thinks that Apple is a cute name for Gwyneth’s little sprog. You’re all wrong. Apple Martin sounds like a fucking dessert, as in "I’ll have the Peach Melba, and my date will have the Apple Martin." And I wish I could say that Gwyneth was the only person to ever give her child a stupid name, but everyone from Frank Zappa (Moon Unit, Dweezil, Ahmet & Diva) to Ving Rhames (Reignbeau) has saddled their children with names so stupid, so ridiculous, you wonder how they are ever going to get real jobs. And by real jobs, I mean something that doesn’t involve taking off your clothes.

Even people that I love and respect have managed to fuck up their kids lives within the first few hours of their birth. Rachel Griffiths has a son named Banjo. Jason Lee’s kid is Pilot Inspektor. Joe Strummer’s daughters are Jazz Domino Holly and Lola Maybelline. Rob Morrow is hands down the worst father in America, with a kid named Tu. Yep, that’s right, Tu Morrow. Shannyn Sossamon, who used to be a DJ, named her kid Audio Science. How is this not child abuse?

Names like these make Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz Beckham seem normal. In fact, as long as Jermaine Jackson (son is Jermajesty) and John Mellencamp (Speck Wildhorse) keep having kids, the Beckham kids might have a fighting chance to overcome the fact that Posh and Becks are their parents.

But of course, no rant about ridiculous names could be complete without mentioning the Grand Dame of fucking up your kids’ lives: Paula Yates. Before Paula overdosed on smack, she managed to name her kids Fifi Trixibelle, Peaches Honeyblossom and Pixie. Those are Bob Geldof’s kids, and apparently Sir Bob managed to put a kibosh on the really bad names, because Paula’s daughter with Michael Hutchence is called Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily. Poor Tiger Lily, not only does she have an absolutely atrocious name, but her dad died in a freak autoerotic scarfing incident, her mom died from a heroin overdose, and she’s being raised by Bob “Wanker” Geldof. The girl is doomed.

I shudder to think what the king and queen of the chavs, Kev & Brit, are going to name their little spawn. I’m hoping they might just surprise us all and call it Elizabeth or James, but I really don’t have that much faith in them. I’m waiting for the announcement that little Aubergine Cilantro Federline was born.

Alright, audience participation time—what is the worst celebrity baby name? Or non-celebrity baby name. Hell, how about worst pet name?

annamaria at 9:31 AM

6 spoke


at Wednesday, August 03, 2005 11:42:00 AM Anonymous Rich said...

My prediction for the Spears-Federline Sprog name?


at Thursday, August 04, 2005 1:59:00 PM Blogger Kurt said...

funny, Rich.
And I thought that naming my son Stephen Oscar Booth (he'd be a REAL SOB) was bad. Thank God we had girls.
This will probably get me in trouble, but I also don't get the ethnic naming thing. Prejudice is not going away (I wish it was!), so why would a parent make it harder to overcome by naming their child something like LaQuita or Shaniqua? The redneck HR person is going to throw that application away before reading it or meeting her.

at Thursday, August 04, 2005 3:30:00 PM Blogger person x said...

I don't have too much of a problem with tastefull ethnic naming. But names like ShaQuanda and Teniqua do come along with stigmas when entering the workforce.

How about the blending of names to make a first name. Hate that.

at Thursday, August 04, 2005 5:10:00 PM Blogger annamaria said...

Hey, watch it with the ethnic name hating! And the blending of names hating!

at Thursday, August 04, 2005 5:15:00 PM Blogger person x said...

I don't see a problem with ethnic name hating -- I'm just saying that there is a stigma that goes along with people who name their kid "Bentley."

And by blending of names I was more referring to people who blend the two first names or the parents. For example, a child of Eric and Sara could be Saric. Lame.

I wasn't talking about name blending in the "Annamaria" sense!

at Friday, August 05, 2005 6:36:00 PM Blogger Not There Yet said...

Some people I used to go to grad school with (yeah, grad school is part of the problem here) named their WHITE kid Jazzbo. I kid you not.


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