4.19.2006

Detroit Sucks

I should totally be responding to all of your comments on the other post, but I’m really tired! Oldest Brother and his kids finally flew back to Boston today, and while it was wonderful seeing the little tykes again, they really do need to come with an off button. I’m worn out!

So, here’s some mindless, ranty fun, shamelessly stolen from Jill’s post about why she hates New York/ers:

D-12: A Dozen Things I Hate About Detroit

1. South of 8 Mile Fear. I’ve said it before—get the fuck over yourselves, people! 8 Mile is not some mythical divide that separates Fabulous Ferndale from the ghettos of Detroit; it’s a fucking road. A long one. Something like 30 miles long. And maybe a block of that is sketchy. I promise that you are no more likely to be shot on the south side of 8 Mile than on the north side—of course, this is Detroit, so take that with a grain of salt. Oh, and by the way Drudge, you can fuck off, too. I know, Proof was shot in a bar that happened to be located on 8 Mile. Well, the hospital I was born in happens to be on 8 Mile as well. What's your fucking point?
   
   
2. People who cannot navigate a Michigan Left. I know, I know, oh so fucking difficult to turn around in the median when you could just risk life and limb crossing eight lanes of divided highway traffic during rush hour in a city where red lights are optional. Here’s a hint—inside lane turns into the inside lane, outside lane turns into the outside lane. Don’t come tearing out of the turnaround like a fucking idiot and try to cut me off so that you can hang that right turn real quick—I’ve got damn near 90,000 miles on my car, and I’m not afraid to sacrifice a front bumper to prove a point.
   
   
3. People who pronounce Lahser as Lasher. H before S, assholes. Lah-Ser. And on the subject of grammar—Ford, Meijer and Kroger are singular pronouns.
   
   
4. People who say “If you don’t like the weather in Michigan, wait five minutes and it will change.” Yeah, real funny asshole. This isn’t LA, the weather here is supposed to change.
   
   
5. Speaking of weather, people who complain about the snow in Detroit. Couple of things—if you live north of Mason-Dixon line, you are not allowed to complain about snow. Ever. Beyond that, if you fools would leave the Tri-County area for once in your life you could experience actual snow on the west side of the state. Four years in Kalamazoo have trained me to appreciate the gift that is a merely 10-inch overnight snowfall.
   
   
6. Large, expensive buildings named after corrupt Wayne County officials. The Coleman A. Young Building? The McNamara Terminal at Metro Airport? If I steal vast sums of money and generally run the city into the ground through the politics of racism and cronyism, can I get a municipal building named after me too?
   
   
7. The fact that coney dogs, Vernors and Better Maid potato chips are the Detroit equivalent of haute cuisine. And we wonder why this is the fattest city in the country.
   
   
8. Mike Ilitch. I shouldn’t even have to justify this one. The man owns like half of the buildings in Detroit and nearly all of them are abandoned. Hey Jen and Ian, remember when you moved from Elizabeth St. and away from your great view of the ruins of Tiger Stadium? Well, it’s still there and it’s still empty.
   
   
9. People who drive Hummers with “Sportsman for Bush” bumper stickers on them and have the fucking audacity to complain about paying $2.87 a gallon at the BP. If your oil tanker got more than 9 miles per gallon, buddy, pumping gas wouldn’t be such a nerve-shattering experience for you.
   
   
10. Auto Industry employee & family discounts which make purchasing a Hummer affordable. If nine out of every ten people in Detroit didn’t work for the auto industry, I bet there would be more Priuses on the road. Of course, I would also be out of a job.
    
    
11. Local news traffic correspondents who insist on calling the I-96/I-696/I-275/M-10 interchange “The Mixing Bowl” and the guileless sheeple who mimic them. The Mixing Bowl? Entirely too banal a nickname for the sheer terror of crossing traffic through 28 different permutations of people merging on roads that resemble a Vietnamese landmine field on a good day.
    

And finally:

12. Goth kids who roam Main Street in Royal Oak, hanging out on stoops and smoking Djarums, and who have the unmitigated gall to sneer at me when all I want is to buy that cute pair of shoes at Incognito without you little wankers getting all up in my shit. I was rocking the black nail polish and sour expression when you were a mere glint in your mama’s eye, kid, so don’t turn your Hot Topic-bought, no-holes-required nose ring up at me.

Your turn to share the hate. What do you hate about your city?

Labels: The D

annamaria at 6:25 PM

5 spoke

5 Comments

at Wednesday, April 19, 2006 8:59:00 PM  Dane meets Simone said...

Well, as my city will soon be Westland, what I hate so far is also what I fear (so far):

TEENAGERS!!

They bounce a ball beside my car and stare through me. I feel like I might be living in that movie Thirteen, which I know is a drama but to me seemed like a horror flick.

My list tbc.

 

at Wednesday, April 19, 2006 10:13:00 PM  ID said...

I actually like Chicago quite alot. They name buidlings after corrupt officials here as well. Except they actually find them guilty and corruption actually works here.

Fuck the people who try to paint 8 Mile as a ruthless strip of road. Those jounalists and bloggers should try taking a trip a few blocks south of 8 Mile and Gratiot or 8 & Greenfield and see if you still think 8 Mile is still so "scary." On our way back home me and Jen once stopped at a Dairy Queen just past 7 & Greenfield and it was pretty clear that we were out of our element, but I think people thought that if these honkies were crazy enough to come get ice cream at night out in the hood, they must belong.

I guess my only qualm about Chicago would be people from Michigan. You dont go to U of M or State any more, so let it go. They all crowd themselves into the neighborhoods that other Michiganders tell them are "safe" or "cool." And they all talk about it as if they live in New York. Just because you never left Michigan until now doesnt mean you are urban. Then they all fucking become bandwagon Cubs fans and clog up Wrigley Field. They also try to attempt Michigan Lefts, and Rights for that matter, when such a concept does not exist here.

I now have the keen sense that when someone is driving like an asshole they have plates from: Michigan, Iowa, Indiana, or Wisconsin. While driving I usually spew such state-hate filled epithets as: "Go back to fucking Ann Arbor," "Go back to your corn field," "Fucking Indiana," or "God Damned Cheese Head." So yeah. (I was born and raised in and around Chicago and Ann Arbor so I have the ability to criticize both sides!)

 

at Sunday, April 23, 2006 10:11:00 AM  Aaron-Carl said...

You just made me laugh completely out loud... I used to live off of e-mile and Lahser, and you'd be surprised at how many people THERE said "Lasher..." I remember traveling overseas and meeting other people from Detroit. I almost felt OBLIGED to say Lasher, just to prove my authenticity as a Detroiter! So it's funny that you rant about it -- I admit, I laugh now whenever I hear it.

While we're at it, how about SCHOENHERR RD, being pronounced "SHAYNER"? That drives me up a wall...

Or why the property values in places like Rosedale Park and Sherwood Forest are higher than the surrounding areas -- although it's all in the same "hood" as the rest of the city? Once you leave the pretty little street corner, you still have to shop at the same "ghetto" stores as everybody else. Hmmm...

And one more thing... About the weather, now you KNOW we're some "complaining folks!" I don't mind the constantly changing weather, but I admit I fucking HATE snow. So you're thinking, if I hate snow, why not just LEAVE Michigan? (Been there, done that.) During my two-year stint in L.A., I was shocked at how differently people viewed snow. They LOVED the fact that they could go to the beach, get a tan, drive up to the mountains and go SKIING all in the same day. (Like snow was a luxury!!!) EEEK!!! It just didn't seem real to me, which is why I had to move back to this crazy gun-toting, segregated, dangerously ghettofied city of Detroit -- but I like it though... LOL!

 

at Sunday, April 23, 2006 10:18:00 AM  annamaria said...

I live off Schoenherr, actually, and I once gave a non-Detroiter directions to my place...she called me in a panic saying that she had driven past Van Dyke, Scooner and Hayes, but couldn't find this ellusive "Shayner" to save her life! Poor thing, she was livid when she realized that we can't pronounce worth shit in this city!

 

at Tuesday, April 25, 2006 3:52:00 PM  ID said...

AM, I love this blog.

You have such an interesting pull that Aaron Carl reads your blog? I'm totally speachless.


"You make me ssssssshshhhivaaah"

 

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