QAF 506: Who's Hot, Who's Not?

Welcome to QAF 506, a world of tidy resolutions and barely any Brian and Justin screentime. Gee, how do you think I felt about this episode?

So, Lindsay, Melanie and Michael have inexplicably kissed and made up. Ben and Michael invite everyone over for the world’s most boring housewarming party—Mel and JR show up and Michael proceeds to show everyone what a cute wittle baby she is. Mel & Linds bond over punch, reminiscing about their own housewarming party a lifetime ago. Awww…isn’t this a beautiful picture of a wonderful, happy, non-traditional family? Give me a fucking break. Excuse me, but, um, weren’t y’all trying to kill each other just last week?

A few weeks ago, I discussed Rule #1 in QAF-land: never, ever throw a surprise party. This week illustrates Rule #2—Ted is the Anti-Brian. But wait! Apparently, the world has shifted on its axis and Rule #2 has been subverted—Brian is the Anti-Ted!

So, while Ted is getting laid left and right (due to plastic surgery that didn’t change his appearance one iota), and exacting his revenge on Troy for the whole Mr. Pride Pity Fuck 2002 embarrassment, Brian can’t even manage to do better than a lackluster, half-finished blowjob on a hi-lo (did anyone else find the construction-site motif at the sex party a little too Village People for their liking?). Wherefore art thou, Brian’s stud reputation? Well, it seems the patrons of Babylon have found a new king; enter…He Who Shall Remain Nameless Because the Writers Didn’t Bother to Tell Us His Name. We’ll call him Brandon. (***Spoiler Alert*** His name actually is Brandon).

Oh, poor Brian. Soon Brandon is rejecting our hero and getting all the good tricks while Brian finds himself in the unenviable position of coming home to the same supremely hot blonde boy ass every night. However will he survive? I know, I know, I’m treading dangerously close to having my status as the president of the Straight Girls for Brian Kinney Fanclub revoked, but seriously, he needs to grow up! I’m not arguing for a life of monogamy, but is being the hottest fag in Pittsburgh the only thing he’s got going? For an egotistical bastard, Brian doesn’t seem to have much faith in his own self-worth, does he?

Justin meanwhile does grow up and tells Brian what he wants out of their relationship—meaning, he wants an actual relationship. Well, it’s about time! By the way, I loved this scene, with Justin talking and Brian trying on about 20 of the same black shirt. In my more poetic moments, I would say that the black shirt represents the nameless tricks—virtually indistinguishable from one another, and easily cast aside. But I have been known to read way too much into things!

As an aside, this Brandon guy? Not hot. And I know it’s going to be difficult to cast a role with an actor that is meant to rival the yummy Gale Harold, but certainly Showtime could have done better than a short guy with stringy, dirty-blonde hair. He looks like an 80s catalog model. Whew…I think I just secured my spot as fanclub president for at least another week!

hot not

So, what’s up with the characters that aren’t Brian?

Emmett—tries to sex up his Queer Guy spot on the evening news, only to be told to keep his dirty laundry off the airwaves.

Debbie—suffering from BFM, she finally tells Carl that she misses the diner, and she gives up the life of a Lady of Leisure to sling hash. Good for her!

Hunter—skips school by claiming to be at debate practice (which makes sense, because only total losers like Jen and I were on the debate team), and finally admits that school is unbearable now that everyone knows his HIV status. In a stunning display of the Worst Parenting Ever, Ben and Michael let Hunter run away, but not without first giving him money.

Rage & JT—get married! Yeah, keep dreaming Justin.

Overall, not a terrible episode, but still too neat and tidy for my liking. Give me some actual drama, people!


annamaria at 8:15 AM

4 spoke


at Monday, June 20, 2005 1:19:00 PM Blogger person x said...

You know, my favorite part of any debate plot line on every movie/television show that uses it is that:

a) Debates always seem to be held in front of the entire school.

b) Topics seem to change all the time!

Annamaria and I, being the supernerds that we are, know that debates are held over a weekend with other, bigger supernerds from the surrounding area, and that there is only one topic per year. How hard for writers to understand, but I guess that no one wants to do any research on debate and the life of supernerds.

Anyway, to the episode.

Brian tries to grab someone's dick and gets turned away. Proceeds to act like a fucking child for the rest of the episode -- "I'm going to keep going after the dick that got away!"

Get over it.

Like Annamaria already has said, he's not even that hot anyway. Certainly not hot enough to oust Brian from his throne of Hottest Fag in Pittsburgh.

And what about the other random stuff that Annamaria mentioned? I really didn't care.

Debbie going back to the diner after two episodes off? Whatever.

Emmitt showing his undies on the tele and getting in trouble? Whatever.

(But how spot-on was Brian, even though he was in assy mood because of The Dick That Got Away, on his call that the world loved Emmitt because he was a sexless, cuddly TV personality, a la Jack from Will & Grace?)

The mysterious makeup between Michael, Mel, and Lindsay? Whatever.

But I do smell a lesbian family getting back together. Blah.

On an interesting note (shocking!), looks like Lindsay can't afford her one bedroom apartment any longer (what's up with that?) and moves back into her horrible parents' house, who apparently, because of her breakup with Mel, thinks that the lesbian in her is cold and dead. This one gets a "whatever" in advance. The only thing thing that could save it is Mel coming in with a baseball bat (more baseball bats this season, please).

And it looks like He Who Shall Remain Nameless, aka Brandon...along with Justin...stick it to Brian next episode. While I'm glad that Justin is going to say how he feels, hopefully prompting a change in Brian, doesn't he understand why he's acting so shitty? Brian, the fag who can always get what he wants, all of a sudden can't get what he wants.

I loved the closing of last night's episode, following the trying on of 10 or more identical black shirts. Brian continuously asking Justin how he looked, and then telling himself, in Justin-like fashion that he looked "hoooooot." (Read hot, and not hoot.) I think Brian's probably a little depressed about Justin's lack of interest, even though he doesn't let it show to others. We'll see.

at Monday, June 20, 2005 1:30:00 PM Blogger person x said...

P.S. - Be sure to watch scenes from next week on the Showtime web site for what may prove to be the best Brian/Michael exchange ever. I'm already counting down the days until next week!

But, crap. Looks like there's going to be more politics thrown in the mix with a Prop. 14, which the kids are passing out lit against in the second preview. Great.

at Monday, June 20, 2005 2:15:00 PM Blogger annamaria said...

Ah, I love it when movies/tv shows do debate episodes--all this oratorical bullshit that bears no resemblence whatsoever to what Jen and I spent way too many years of our lives doing. But, again, we are supernerds, so we would notice inconsistencies like that.

Another thing I noticed about Brian (since he has been the only consistently not-boring character this season)--isn't going after the guy a big no-no? I mean, remember season one's big "don't go after him, Mikey" speech about Dr. David? Apparently, one can go after silent, greasy-haired club kids, but not a boyfriend. Strange.

And, yeah, I'm still mystified by Brandon. He's not hot!! Seriously, as a connoisseur of hot men, I can state unequivocally--not hot. Okay, maybe slightly warm in a world absent Brian Kinney, but that is the nicest I am going to be.

And what is strangest about not-hot Brandon is that he kind of looks like a cross between Jared Leto and Michael Vartan--two men who are actually hot. Too much of a good thing, perhaps?

at Tuesday, June 21, 2005 2:10:00 PM Blogger person x said...

I just had a brainstorm.

They should have had this guy play He Who Shall Remain Nameless. Blonde, long hair -- but not stringy, and not of short stature.

He played Smith Jerrod (formerly Jerry Jerrod) on Sex and the City. And is much hotter than the guy who is currently playing Brandon.

From now on, when they show a scene with Brandon, I will picture him in the role instead.


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