10.31.2005

I have seen the light, and it is made of spaghetti.



I have never been overly religious. Until now. Religious holidays every Friday. Preaching the good word of His Noodlyness in full pirate regalia.

Yes. I said "His Noodlelyness."

And, yes. I did say "full pirate regalia."

I response to the Kansas School Board Retards -- the ones who are considering teaching the Intelligent Design theory non-science-based god talk in addition to evolution -- the FSM movement was born. That's Flying Spaghetti Monster, for those not in the know.

It turns out that it was the Flying Spaghetti Monster who created the mountains, the trees, and the "midgit" (see illustration above). We are all his creatures, here to follow Him.

The increase in global warming can be attributed to the decline in pirates. He is displeased. And this is why me must wear the full pirate regalia. To please Him is to potentially save the world from getting too hot.

Consider his powers:
...He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is. For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is of course invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease.
Amazing.

If for no other reason, go to the site and read the open letter to the Kansas School Board, and the responses from other board members. Funniest. Site. Ever.

person x at 5:46 PM

0 spoke

10.28.2005

Friday Random I HATE MY COWORKERS Rant


I am a lonely zombie. No one loves me.


So, while my coworkers may not jump into the area of calling in because of bird flue, they still suck nonetheless.

Case in point. Today, I am the only zombie working at SmithBucklin. Not that it was supposed to be like that. My whole "team" (which I use loosely for these cats) had agreed on my theme of zombies at SmithBucklin, chained to the desk, crazy makeup, etc. (FYI - The makeup washes off, fuckers.)

So, being team leader, I go out and buy all these great supplies. When it comes to put things together, no one helps, except for my friend Leigh, who doesn't even sit in this section anymore.

When it's time to put on makeup? "Oh, no makeup for me, thanks." Why did you fuckers tell me to buy makeup? And chains for our desks? If you weren't going to fucking participate.

Meanwhile, on the good side of the office, everyone is running around, getting all their work done in preparation for the judging.

Maybe I'll give them the big fuck-you and just go smoke. Take that, non-zombie fuckers.

-----
EDIT: Here's my zombie garb. And please note the chains, preventing me from eating the living.

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person x at 11:14 AM

2 spoke

Friday Random Ten

Neal Casal


So...Psycho finally graced us with her presence on Tuesday. Claims that her tummy ache was actually the flu, which somehow morphed into sinusitis. We all bit our tongues and didn't point out that mid-October is hardly flu season in Michigan, and a sinus infection is hardly a reason to miss three days of work. Then we called her Psycho behind her back, and made lots of bird flu jokes. Knowing our luck, we're all going to come down with said avian affliction, and Psycho will manage to escape the epidemic. I hate her.

But you know who I don't hate? Kurt. And because I don't hate him, I'm going to highlight a question he asked in the comments of another post, in the hopes that one of our dear readers can answer it for him. Kurt asks:
Annamaria, I'm not sure if it was you or jen, but on a past FRT there was a song called Moonflower by After Midnight (I think). It's a great song, but I haven't found what CD it is from. Do you know or remember?

I have no idea what the answer to this question is. Even a google search provided no clues. So, if you are the person that listed this song (and I'm assuming it's Rich, because that sounds like him!) please enlighten Kurt for us, would you?

Another thing I don't hate? Music. Particularly random music. So, here's my ten, with album titles in case anyone is interested:

  1. Breath Me - Sia (Colour the Small One)
  2. Blue Monday - New Order (Power, Corruption & Lies)
  3. Shiny - The Decemberists (5 Songs EP)
  4. His Truth is Marching On - Mike Doughty (Haughty Melodic)
  5. Talking in the Dark - Elvis Costello (Ten Bloody Marys & Ten How's Your Fathers)
  6. Everyday - Rogue Wave (Descended Like Vultures)
  7. Into the Dark - Ben Lee (Awake is the New Sleep)
  8. Smokers - Old 97's (Drag It Up)
  9. Detroit or Buffalo - Neal Casal (Fade Away Diamond Time)
  10. Goodbye Girl - Squeeze (Cool for Cats)


Your turn! (Album titles optional, of course!)

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annamaria at 9:31 AM

3 spoke

10.27.2005

This is why I hate Republicans



Only Thomas Sowell could start out writing about the legacy of Rosa Parks, and end up with a treatise for free market capitalism and a conservative judiciary.

The incentives of the economic system and the incentives of the political system were not only different, they clashed. Private owners of streetcar, bus, and railroad companies in the South lobbied against the Jim Crow laws while these laws were being written, challenged them in the courts after the laws were passed, and then dragged their feet in enforcing those laws after they were upheld by the courts.

These tactics delayed the enforcement of Jim Crow seating laws for years in some places. Then company employees began to be arrested for not enforcing such laws and at least one president of a streetcar company was threatened with jail if he didn't comply.


This man has no shame.

annamaria at 12:42 PM

1 spoke

Don't help.

Stolen from Kerri, by way of Common Cause:

person x at 12:32 PM

0 spoke

Jesus has left Detroit...

Jesus Tree


And has taken up residence in a silver maple in upstate New York:

According to WROC-TV, the image was first noticed by Jim Holtz, a 54-year-old retiree who comes to North Clinton Ave. daily for coffee with friends.

"I've looked at that tree thousands of times in the past couple years, but never noticed it till now," he told the station. "At first I thought I was seeing things."

Holtz says he doesn't think people have to be a believer in Jesus to recognize the face, but is quick to point out he, himself, is a believer.


Of course he's quick to point out that he is a believer! Jesus just showed up in a tree for...uh...Christ's sake, it seems a rather inopportune time to be an atheist.

Personally, I don't see the Messiah in the tree. I do, however, see George Michael:

Jesus Tree George Michael

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annamaria at 11:55 AM

3 spoke

Boo hoo hoo! No Supreme Court for you!




person x at 11:22 AM

3 spoke

Goodbye, Ms. Fucked-Up-Face



Under withering attack from conservatives, President Bush ended his push to put loyalist Harriet Miers on the Supreme Court Thursday and promised a quick replacement. Democrats accused him of bowing to the "radical right wing of the Republican Party."

The White House said Miers had withdrawn her name because of a bipartisan effort in Congress to gain access to internal documents related to her role as counsel to the president. But politics played a larger role: Bush's conservative backers had doubts about her ideological purity, and Democrats had little incentive to help the nominee or the embattled GOP president.


Well, that was fairly anti-climactic, wasn't it? Just when I was starting to warm to Miers and her face. Well, honestly, any amity I held toward Miers was due entirely to the vehement opposition she was getting from the ultra-conservatives. After all, if the fundies hate her that much, she must be doing something right.

Here's the official White House Press Release, if you're interested.

UPDATE: I knew there was something about this woman that I couldn't completely hate--the Concerned Women for Patriarchy America can't stand her! Seriously, check out this link. And they call Feminists shrill and histrionic!

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annamaria at 10:40 AM

0 spoke

10.25.2005

Quick Hits

Welcome to a little piece that I think I will loving call "Quick Hits" - pretty much to be used on days where there are several fucked up stories to write about in one day.

I Always Knew It...

Cages aren't just for pets anymore. An Ohio couple is coming to their own defense, launching a mini-media campaign to create support for them on charges that they locked their 11 adopted special needs children in cages while they slept or were unattended.

Whatever happened to home visits? How did they get all these kids to begin with?


Jesus Christ, Alive and Well in Detroit...

This Detroit man, pronounced dead with rigormortis setting in when EMS arrived at his home, came back from the dead!

Jesus is back, people! In the name of the father, son, and the holy...

Wait. Turns out he was a diabetic and
was having a sugar attack. Whoops!



Scariest holiday gift for a child. Ever.

This could be worse than locking a retarted kid in a cage.

Apparently Britney Spears wants her family turned into dolls.


I'm sure the doll will come with this family-friendly little number


Spears has hit up Mattel, and asked them to create plastic versions of her weirdo family, Kevin Federline and their poor, poor baby, Sean Preston.

Again, how about a home visit? Who is making sure that children are okay these days? What about Blanket, and
the rest of the poor Jackson children?

Insiders claim Britney also wants doll versions of her mum Lynne, dad Jamie, older brother Bryan and younger sister Jamie Lynn to be added to the collection.

Fucking great.

person x at 12:36 PM

1 spoke

10.24.2005

FYI - You don't have to pick the person closest to your office...


...when you are looking to replace someone for a position.

Thing is, though, that I am not surprised. Not because Bush is nominating all of his pals for positions that will be around long past his time in office, but because I think Bush is a total fucking moron who doesn't know anyone outside of his very select group of yes-men (and women, in the case of little Ms. Fucked-Up-Face).

I probably could have linked to a better picture of Harriet Miers, but I always love seeing Bush in a cowboy hat.

This one is a little better. Is it me, or does she look like a freaky Halloween creature?




person x at 12:11 PM

3 spoke

10.21.2005

I am a loser.



I don't even have any excuses, work is moderate, but pissing me off because I just picked up three new clients, bumping my total up to 8. P.S. - most people have 4.

I am also finishing up my master's. Only one more quarter (two if you count the quarter where I do my final project). But things are hard.

And all of a sudden I have been finding myself very tired. Ian would probably say I was drinking too much. Or just going out to much. Or just wearing myself too thin.

Maybe its all of the above.

But, yes. I am a loser. I have neglected you, and for that I appologize.

Now I am off to work through my lunch, even though I'll still have to take home my laptop for the weekend.

At least there's Maui to look forward to. 33 days, according to my count.

Yes. I'm going back to Hawaii with a friend of mine. Anyone want to go? It's on the cheap.

person x at 12:40 PM

1 spoke

Friday Random Ten

Laura is so dreamy


I need to vent, and this seems as good a place as any. As you know, I had surgery on Monday, and yet I dragged my ass to work on Tuesday because I couldn't deal with the fact that I took time off and there was shit to be done, and my mother's hovering was driving me crazy. I have a co-worker, however, who lacks a similar work ethic. Allow me to explain, first of all, that I use the term co-worker loosely, as "co" implies peer, and "worker" implies that one actually gets their ass to the office on a regular basis. "Co-worker" is known around the office (unbeknownst to her, of course) as Psycho, due to her tendency to interrupt any and all conversations by demanding to know if we are talking about her. Perhaps this doesn't make her crazy, as nine times out of ten we actually are talking about her. She also gets angry when two or more people from the office go to lunch together, and don't issue her an invitation. Psycho failed to show up to work yesterday and today because she, and I quote, "has a tummy ache." In the year that she has been working at this office, she hasn't once cashed a full 80-hour paycheck.

I had fucking surgery. There are stitches in my tit, and the drugs have worn off. I'm sore and I'm cranky and I'm at work.

So, any advice as to how to deal with Psycho co-workers would be much appreciated, as I'm afraid the next time I see her I'm going to clock her. And my biggest fear is that none of my other co-workers will stop me!

Alright, enough venting, time for some music. Very indie-rock-centric again this week, with the exception of the fabulous Sam Cooke. I also had to severely edit the list this week, since I went on a Decemberists downloading spree, and every other song was one of theirs. Here you go:

  1. Jacqueline - Franz Ferdinand
  2. Another Saturday Night - Sam Cooke
  3. Happy Birthday - Clem Snide
  4. Odalisque - The Decemberists
  5. Changes Are No Good - The Stills
  6. Your Misfortune - Mike Doughty
  7. Indoor Fireworks - Laura Cantrell
  8. Your Cover's Blown - Belle and Sebastian
  9. Puzzle - Lou Barlow
  10. Cripple and the Starfish - Antony and the Johnsons

Your turn!

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annamaria at 9:36 AM

6 spoke

Have you seen this girl?


Name: Jen Jones
Age: 26
Last Known Residence: Chicago, IL
Last seen: September 23, 2005


If you have any information about Jen's whereabouts, please contact Blood on My Teeth as soon as possible. Thank you for your cooperation.


---------
Am I being snarky enough? Jen, where in the hell have you been??

annamaria at 9:28 AM

5 spoke

10.20.2005

I haven't talked about pharmacists in a while



I love Target. I really do, it’s convenient and cheap, and they sell all those cool cleaning products in the fun bottles. But it looks like Target is the latest company to make my shit list:

A 26-year-old Missouri woman was refused EC when she handed her prescription to a pharmacist at a Target store in Fenton, MO, on September 30. The woman was told by the pharmacist, "I won’t fill it. It’s my right not to fill it."


That’s it. I’m done. With the automotive industry reporting record third-quarter losses, maybe I should take this as a sign to switch careers. So, I’ve been thinking—I should quit my job (or wait for the layoff which looms closer everyday), and go back to school. I’ll become a pharmacist. Then I’ll convert to The Church of Christ, Scientist. Then I can get a job at Target or Rite Aid or any number of pharmacies that refuse to fill prescriptions for tenuous reasons, and refuse to do my job because my religion prevents me from encouraging the use of medication, when prayer and acceptance of Jesus Christ is the only remedy for what ails you. Then I’ll go to Washington, D.C. and find out what pharmacy Dick Cheney uses to get his heart pills, and kindly inform the Veep that I can’t fill his prescription because to do so would encourage the spread of evil and sin.

Oh, and a note for that pharmacist--Missouri state legislators have recently introduced a bill which would guarantee access to birth control. Enjoy your job while you can.

annamaria at 11:50 AM

0 spoke

One more reason not to have kids…

You can watch whatever you want on TV.



The Parents Television Council has released their annual report listing the ten best and worst shows for family viewing on primetime network TV. Apparently, in my wanton, childless state I didn’t even realize that there are only nine shows on primetime television that are appropriate family viewing. In fact, of these nine shows, I watch a total of...zero. That’s right. Nothing that I watch from 8 p.m. to 11 p.m. can be considered family friendly. Though, I have been known to watch two of the least family friendly shows on TV*. Here’s the list of the best shows on TV:
  1. Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition is an excellent example of a constructive and uplifting reality TV show. Unlike other reality series that emphasize and exploit contestants' worst qualities (greed, dishonesty, vanity, etc.), this inspiring program showcases charity and selflessness." Alright, I lied, I’ve actually watched this show on occasion. Usually, it makes me cry, which is why I tend to avoid it like the plague.

  2. Three Wishes. "Three Wishes is a much-needed antidote, showing viewers that charity is its own reward." Bo-ring. Seriously, who wants to watch Amy Grant playing angel for the poor little people?

  3. American Idol. "While some viewers may find Cowell's harsh and often blunt commentary unappealing, American Idol is an entertaining show that the entire family can enjoy. Idol doesn't have a moral or a message, but it can be appreciated for what it is: a talent competition, pure and simple. This reality series doesn't focus on backstabbing or betrayal, and it doesn't follow the contestants' bedroom shenanigans." That’s right, we let the media focus on the contestants’ bedroom shenanigans. And what better lesson for children than having Simon Cowell berate talented women for being too fat to be pop stars?

  4. The Ghost Whisperer. "In The Ghost Whisperer, ghosts appear to Melinda, a newlywed psychic, and ask her to deliver messages of love and comfort to grieving friends and family. […] Episodes so far have contained only minimal foul language, mild violence, and virtually no sexual content." If I want to watch a show about dead people, I’ll watch Six Feet Under. After all, it says something when SFU employs three former cast members of the dreadful teen movie Can’t Hardly Wait yet passes on its star, Jennifer Love Hewitt. Something tells me that JLH’s new project isn’t worth my time.

  5. Everybody Hates Chris."The outstanding feature of this series is the depiction of a loving, close-knit family where the parents act like grown-ups and the kids don't run the house. His parents work hard to provide for their children financially as well as emotionally." Um, excuse me, but Chris Rock is on the good list? This show must really suck.

  6. Reba. "Despite the off-putting premise of a divorcee whose husband cheated on her and whose daughter got pregnant while still in high school; Reba manages to deal with difficult subject matter without relying on cheap innuendo or vulgarity." Yeah, despite all that debauchery, it’s good family fun!

  7. Bernie Mac. "Originally inspired by comedian Bernie Mac's life, this returning sitcom centers on the career-driven Bernie and Wanda, who see their world turned upside down when Bernie agrees to take care of his sister's children." A career-driven woman? A man so emasculated he must lower himself to the role of caretaker? PTC’s standards must be slipping!

  8. Dancing with the Stars. "The surprise hit of the summer, Dancing with the Stars paired minor celebrities with professional dancers, and made America fall in love with ballroom dancing." Yeah, I’ve got nothing on this one. It sounds like the most dreadfully boring snooze-fest on TV. I think parents have to bribe their children to watch this.

  9. 7th Heaven. "Returning for its tenth season, 7th Heaven continues to be a beacon of family friendly entertainment. Minister Eric Camden and his wife Annie deal with the ups and downs of raising children while gently guiding their seven offspring through life." Isn’t this the show that dealt with teenage smoking by turning a 15-year-old girl into a Marlboro-puffin’ pyromaniac?


Finally, I would like to note that this post would meet with the PTC’s approval, as I refrained from using any foul language, making any sexual references, or engaging in any violent acts. This has got to be a first for me.

------------------
*That would be CSI and The Family Guy, if you're interested.

annamaria at 11:11 AM

2 spoke

10.19.2005

McPhail endorses Kilpatrick

Detroit says, "What the fuck?!?"


"Kwame Kilpatrick and I have agreed on 95 percent of things that have come through" the council, said McPhail. "We have disagreed on some things, but we have done so in a very respectful and kind manner."


For the non-Detroiters in the room, allow me to tell you a tale to two bureaucrats; in this corner, we have Sharon McPhail, a three-year veteran of the Detroit City Council, and certifiably batty. In the other corner, we have Kwame Kilpatrick, Detroit's current mayor and opportunist extraordinaire. Sharon and Kwame have a contentious relationship to say the least, culminating most notably in McPhail's accusation that Kilpatrick had rigged her office massage chair in an effort to electrocute her. And, of course, who could forget the Sambo Awards earlier this year, when McPhail accused the Hip-Hop Mayor of selling out to the white man.

Needless to say, this morning's endorsement makes perfect sense. After all, without Kwame, the City Council might actually have to do something other than taunt the Mayor's office. And where's the fun in that?

Oh, and on the topic of endorsements, I would like to announce that Blood on My Teeth officially endorses Joey Harrington for mayor of Detroit. He's already got all the white suburbanites hating him--isn't that a prerequisite for inhabiting the Manoogian?

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annamaria at 6:03 PM

0 spoke

10.17.2005

Mmmm....Vicodin

Just a quick little post before the drugs kick in, and I fall asleep on my keyboard. Surgery was a success, lump is gone, Annamaria is pleasantly numb and in a *really* good mood. Will write more when I can be held accountable for the things I say.

annamaria at 12:27 PM

2 spoke

10.14.2005

Friday Random Vacation Day

The Decemberists

No work for Annamaria today, who took the day off for no good reason. Of course, that means I got to sleep in until 10:00 a.m., making the Random Ten late this week (but, hey, at least it's here!). Here's my ten:


  1. Brooklyn is Burning - Head Automatica
  2. Man Out of Time - Elvis Costello & The Attractions
  3. Washington D.C. - The Magnetic Fields
  4. Everyday is Like Sunday - Morrissey
  5. The Hook - Stephen Malkmus
  6. Puzzle - Lou Barlow
  7. Bloomington - Old 97's
  8. All the Dirt - Mike Doughty
  9. Little Dawn - Ted Leo & The Pharmacists
  10. The Tain [Parts I, II, III, IV & V] - The Decemberists


Alright, now that that's done, I'm going back to bed!

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annamaria at 10:22 AM

2 spoke

10.10.2005

In honor of National Breast Cancer Awareness Month

Boobs: A Narrative.

When I was sixteen, my older sister Filippa took me aside to inform me that my mother had just been diagnosed with breast cancer. That’s how things work in my family—my mother was too Catholic, I guess, to talk about things like breasts and sex and menstruation, so she left all of that to my sister. It was Filippa who took me to the department store to buy my first bra, and who dragged me kicking and screaming to buy tampons. And it was Filippa who sat on my bed with me while I cried, terrified that my mother was going to die.

She was lucky, my mom, because she was so diligent about having annual mammograms, and with excision and radiation, her chances of survival were 96%. She was lucky, too, in that she didn’t need to worry about losing a breast. I remember, shortly after her diagnosis, finding some pamphlets that the doctor gave her—pamphlets which showed pictures of mastectomies and special bra inserts. Mostly, I remember this feeling of almost overwhelming dread; if my mother has breast cancer, so will I.

This summer, I found I lump in my right breast. I stood in my shower until the water turned frigid, paralyzed, convinced that my twelve-year reprieve from thinking about breast cancer had come to an end.

My gynecologist is a wonderful woman named Cynthia. I can count on her to make a pelvic exam, if not comfortable, then at least not-mortifying. And she always has the greatest shoes. Cynthia sent me to the local hospital for an ultrasound to determine if the lump was malignant. This was one of the more surreal moments of my life. I was in a waiting room, wearing this strange toga-like contraption meant to simultaneously cover my breasts and allow for their easy access, and I was the only woman there under 50. All of the ladies in the waiting room were quite nice—they looked at me curiously, as if to ascertain why a woman in her late-20s was in the mammography center, and then, having determined that whatever brought me there must be pretty terrible, assured me that “mammograms aren’t really as bad as they say, dear. You’ll be fine.”

The radiologist was a sweet, middle-aged woman. She seemed almost apologetic about touching my breasts in the cold room, and had me apply the ultrasound lubricant myself. There is nothing quite so uncomfortable, I’ve found, as smearing KY Jelly on your tits while a smiling doctor looks on.

Eventually, my gynecologist, radiologist, primary care physician and oncologist all agreed—it’s not cancer. Yet. It’s a fibroadenoma, and it looks like this:



Kind of looks like the man in the moon, doesn’t it?

I’m having surgery on Monday to have it taken out. A biopsy and excision, it’s called, which sounds really scary. Maybe I should go back to those kind ladies in the waiting room, and they can tell me that it’s not really as bad as everyone says it is, dear. I’ll be fine.

annamaria at 3:12 PM

3 spoke

Hey! Remember Me?

These Georgia students will steal your childrens' souls


I’m feeling down, folks. You see, whenever there is some new trend that all the cool kids are in on, I’m always the last to know. They’re throwing parties and listening to Clap Your Hands Say Yeah and I’m sitting at home all alone on a Saturday night still listening to that Arcade Fire CD, which is so 2004. For instance, take this whole homosexuality indoctrination—totally missed out on that! Who knew that when my high school teachers were talking about tolerance and acceptance, there was an entire movement going on trying to lure kids into homosexual cults? Even my friends, many of whom are gay, didn’t bother to fill me in on this fun new lifestyle; instead, they let me go on my heterosexual way, totally unaware that the homosexual agenda even existed. Is it just me? Am I too femme? I mean, I’m a feminist—doesn’t that guarantee me at least an honorary membership into the dyke club?

It’s a good thing that the Concerned Women for Patriarchy America have uncovered the nefarious plot behind Gay Straight Alliances and National Ally Week. Can you imagine the consequences if such events were allowed to continue unabated? Why, our children might grow up to be tolerant, and we just can’t have that, can we? After all, tolerance breeds acceptance, and acceptance leads to full citizenship, and that will bring about something like freedom and liberty. We simply cannot stand for this!

Actually, I must admit, I’m thankful for the CWA. Not only are they a constant source of amusement and reminder of exactly why I am a radical feminist, but they can always be counted on to fall victim to my favorite conservative predilection: the inappropriate use of quotation marks. Pray tell me, why do conservatives insist on writing “gay” when gay will do? Is it because they are using their last defense against our increasingly amoral culture—the passive aggressive use of punctuation? Do they honestly believe that if they put quotation marks around words like “gay” and “marriage” and “tolerance” these things will cease to exist? Is it that easy—we can just eliminate unsavory aspects of society simply by quoting them? If so—“George Bush.” “Karl Rove.” “Jessica Simpson.” It’s worth a shot!

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annamaria at 8:32 AM

1 spoke